It is a terribly helpless feeling to know that someone you love it being abused. And it you’re honest with yourself it is draining and exhausting to be around. That’s normal. It’s horrible but those are the facts. I have put together some practical tips to help you get through and be a good shoulder for your loved one who needs you now more than ever.
Like it or not, you might 100% right that your loved one is in a toxic, unhealthy and abusive relationship. But trying to convince them will likely only make them defensive and shut them down. The best thing you can do is give them a patient ear. You never have to tell them that it is ok to be hit, called names manipulated, etc. In fact, you can affirm that you don’t think they deserve that. Try to avoid telling them to leave, call their partner names, use labels or end the relationship.
If you can, look for resources. What are the local laws and resources available? What can you offer? Perhaps your friend and his/her kids can stay with you for a period of time. If that is not an option or would be the first place the abuser would look, you can store important documents and/or a go bag for your loved one. (A 'go bag' is some clothes, documents like IDs and other basic necessities that would making leaving a real possibility.) Understanding why your loved one feels trapped can help you support them while they look for solutions. Why do they feel trapped? Is it money? Is it safety? Asking and listening can really help them feel heard, safe and understood. When possible don't jump into the solutions. Ask them if they want help with the factors that make them feel stuck and tell them what you have found in your research.
We all have limits and it is ok for you to take care of yourself when you need to. Consider that this could be a marathon, not a sprint. If you need a night off, take it. It is not your job to save anyone.
This one is the biggest and most difficult. If you can, keep the lines of communication between you and your loved one. One of the main reasons people stay in abusive relationships is their abuser isolates them from friends and family. It may even be necessary to play nice with the person who is hurting someone you love dearly in order to keep those lines of communication open. This one is a difficult pill to swallow but if you are able to do it, it could be what enables them to leave when your loved on is ready.
Keep in mind that there is research to suggest that women try to leave 7-8 times before they are successful. This is a big, scary and painful undertaking. You will have moments when you want to give up, when you think there is nothing you can do. Probably the best and only thing you can do is keep reminding your loved one that you love them and you have no intention of giving up on their health and happiness.
No one deserves to be abused. If you or someone you know is being assaulted by a partner or family member you can call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.7233 or visit their website. Keep in mind that your online use can be monitored so consider using a different computer or phone to look up local resources.
As always, I’m here. If you are ready to live your best life, call me and let’s get started!
Abusers abuse for power. I’m sorry if you feel like that is an oversimplification but power is the ultimate reason. Some abusers were raised getting hit, some were raised in a culture where violence is normal, others just get violent in frustration. But if you strip it all away, abuse ( verbal/emotional, financial and physical) is about power.
Jacobson and Gottman did a research study on abusive husbands and learned a great deal about heterosexual relationships that involve violence. They wrote a really good book about their research, “When Men Batter Women.” In their book they talk about two different kinds of batters; Pitbulls and Cobras.
Pitbulls are often charming and often do not abuse or become violent with people outside the home. They believe that they are at risk of abandonment and they will lash out when they are afraid the object of their affection plans to leave them. They will control, manipulate and confuse the person they swear to love the most. They will also even deny the abuse. This gaslighting can often cause their love object (or victim) to believe she crazy.
Cobras are in need of independence. They want to do what they want, when they want the way they want. If that is not possible, they can become violent. Cobras are often violent outside of the home and typically have criminal records.
I bet you're wondering what the appeal is... Well, neither pitbulls or cobras start hitting o the first date. It starts slowly. The pitbull may convince his partner that he wants to be protective of her and that he is just to head over heals in love, it can't be helped. The cobra is a master manipulator and con artist. He will tell the woman exactly what she wants to hear, then when she is convinced that he shares the same dreams she does, he will be free to begin the abuse.
While their motivations for violence may be different, abusers do have some things in common.
No one deserves to be abused. Abuse is not acceptable. NIf you or someone you know is being assaulted by a partner or family member you can call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.7233 or visit their website. Keep in mind that your online use can be monitored so consider using a different computer or phone to look up local resources.
As always, I’m here. If you are ready to live your best life, call me and let’s get started!
There are plenty of myths about most things. Some we find on the internet, some we learn from our friends and families. Often myths are harmless but other times, as in the case of domestic violence, they can be dangerous. Today we will explore some (I couldn't possibly expect to get to all) of the myths about domestic violence.
Actually, they do. The divorce rate is actually higher in couples who have physical abuse than the population at large. What outsiders often don’t understand is that it can take an average of 7-8 attempts to leave before being able to stay away. There are a ton of reasons for that. First, it is important to know that the vast majority of the time, a physically abused partner is also verbally/emotionally abused partner. They often believe that they have in some way caused the violence as that is what they have been told repeatedly. (It’s ok to remind people that no one deserves to be hit/kicked/threatened.) Also, there are often threats of increased violence if the partner does leave. And the evidence bares that out. The most dangerous time for a woman to leave a battering husband is when she leaves him. Finally, the abused partner has often become so isolated from friends and family they may not have any places to go.
I guess that depends on your definition of rare…. Roughly 50% of married couples report that at some point in the marriage there has bee some pushing and shoving. It is estimated that about 1 in 4 couples escalate further and that only about 15% of domestic assaults are ever reported to authorities. While pushing and shoving may not escalate to the level of assault, it is important to create a home environment where you and your partner are not laying hands on each other in anger.
You may be surprised to learn that it is NOTthe answer when there is actual battering taking place in the home. First, if one partner is assaulting and dominating the other, the victim gets lumped in with the problem and the couple can get the confused message that the victim is at least at part to blame. And that is NOT THE CASE. There is no excuse for violence and we are all responsible for our actions. Second, if the partner who is being beaten speaks up in therapy, they have no reason to believe they will be safe when they get home. In fact, they are likely to be punished for speaking up.
Sadly, there are a lot of batterers who are very charming and charismatic and will never show the outside would who they really are at home. And there are many people living with a batterer who seem confident and strong and who seem like they would never tolerate that kind of treatment. People get really good at hiding abuse because they are ashamed. They are ashamed that they tolerate it, that their kids see/hear it, that the partner that they love treats them that way. An abused person may also hide it because they may know that their abusive partner could become more violent if they found out others knew about the abuse.
All couples, even happy couples disagree and have conflict. No one deserves to be hit. If someone does not like the way they are being spoken to, they have every right to remove themselves from the situation or even end the relationship. There is no excuse for beating someone up.
While drugs and alcohol may lower inhibitions, they absolutely do not cause nor can they excuse abuse. We hold people who choose to drink and drive responsible for their behavior, why would we not hold they responsible for assault? Particularly when they repeat the behavior over and over again.
No one deserves to be abused. If you or someone you know is being assaulted by a partner or family member you can call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.7233 or visit their website. Keep in mind that your online use can be monitored so consider using a different computer or phone to look up local resources.
As always, I’m here. If you are ready to live your best life, call me and let’s get started!