Man, I hate asking for help! Don't you? Especially, this year. It seems like in 2020, we are all working as hard as humanly possible to both blame each other for everything and not bother anyone for anything.

Last month a hacker took over my website. I was not special, thousands of sites including GoDaddy.com were all hit on the same weekend. Still, my website was my problem to solve. I'm not a computer wiz by any stretch of the imagination and this website took my months to build. So when someone hijacked my website, I tried some really basic things I knew but was quickly out of my depth.

I hated doing it but I had to ask for help... I took about three days but I eventually got my website up and running again. But after that and one other issue that I needed help with I started to wonder why it was so difficult to ask other people for help.

Vulnerability. Yuck.

Well, for one thing it made me feel vulnerable to admit that I couldn't do it myself. There was a part of my that stubbornly insisted that if I could build it, I could fix it. Wrong.

I realized I didn't want to bother anyone. I didn't want to take up space and be a nuisance to someone else. When I finally worked up the nerve to ask for what I needed, it took the person an eye-rolling fifteen minutes to sort out the issue.

Sweet Relief.

After getting over the yuck of needing the aid of another person I immediately felt better. So why had I agonized over asking for what I clearly needed? Probably because I don't like to admit I can't do things. I don't like to admit that I can't do it all on my own. But I can't and I'm not meant to.

None of us are. Big and small, we don't have to do it all on our own. Since then, I have been working hard to think about what I need help with and to practice asking.

If you are worried about asking the wrong person for help... I get it. I have absolutely sought support from people I wished in hindsight I could have avoided. The truth is some mistakes are just inevitable. Whether we trust the wrong friend, hire the wrong person for the job, date the wrong person, doesn't really matter. The step you took for yourself in asking is important. On the rare occasion you make a mistake, you can fix it. There are almost not mistakes we can't repair. Agonizing over doing it all on your own just doesn't need to be one of the mistakes you make.

As always, I’m here.  If you are ready to work on having the life you want, call me and let’s get started!

Dictionary.com lists the definition of vulnerability as “capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon.”  I had a professor in grad school say “that fists don’t hurt like words; words kill.”  To be human is to be vulnerable but we work very hard at becoming impervious to attack.  

Why do we work so hard against vulnerability?  The answer is in the definition.  We tell ourselves stories about how our strength can keep us from harm.  But that doesn’t seem to do the trick either….

In her first TED Talk, Brene Brown does a great job outlining how and why we can’t outwit our vulnerably.  Because much to our chagrin, the only way to be truly loved and cared for is to be vulnerable.  

We Have to Get it Wrong Sometimes...

Like it or lump it, there will be times when you open up to the wrong people. It isn't your fault when someone betrays you or lets you down. It is natural after someone has hurt you to feel embarrassed or even foolish and to want to retreat within yourself for a time. That may even be the best thing for you to do for a time.

It's our losses and failures that allow us to learn the best. After someone hurts you, what can you learn? What can you see in hind site that you were not able to see? Where there warning signs that you overlooked because you cared for and trusted that person?

Pain Makes You Stronger

Allow the person (or people) who hurt you to be your teacher(s). Be wiser, not colder or more distant and don't run away. Geography is just just a place, you cannot outrun sadness.

First, be safe. Can that person still reach out and get in touch with you? If so, close their path, deny them access. You do not have to force yourself to tolerate anymore.

Second, lick your wounds. Surround yourself with only the people who you know will support and lift you up.

Then, learn. What did you miss about this person? What will help you notice their character flaws in someone else?

Finally, forgive. Forgive them and yourself. I know it sounds corny but is the step most often skipped and it probably the most important one. You had every right to be vulnerable and forgiver yourself for that. Just as they have every right to be a miserable jerk.... More difficult but you can forgive them for that too. Let them live their life spreading their seeds of ill content, they will certainly bare fruit eventually.

As always, I’m here.  If you are ready to work on having the life you want, call me and let’s get started!

Like most of you, I struggled a lot in the first couple of weeks of quarantine with work. Today, we are going to explore some strategies that have worked for me and others.

Put it away.

At the end of each work day, I put it all away. Even if I work from home that day, when I'm done, I pack it all away. It is part of an end of the day ritual that allows me to take my home back and make it my home again and not my work place anymore.

Set a Time and be Done.

Especially when you work from home it can be easy to work more than is good for you. Decide before the day begins when you will end the work part of your day. It is important not to end when a certain list of tasks is done as the day could add delays and roadblocks to those tasks and leave you working hours longer than you would have if the office was open.

Get Comfortable.

If you are working from home do you have the chair you need? If not, it's probably time to get it. We were already living very sedentary lives before this started now many of use have forced ourselves to sit in chairs that were not designed to have us sit there for eight hours a day. If you have to do it, be comfortable.

Get Up!

It is really tempting to move from meeting to meeting without getting up in between. But is really important that you do. I have started walking around the building for a few minutes between sessions to help with blood flow. And I can't tell you how helpful it is to go outside, even it if it is just for a few minutes. Get up, walk around, get more water before the next one starts. If you need to add time in the schedule for it, that's ok. This one is super important.

Celebrate Wins!

Did you get a sale? Did you close a deal? Did a client tell you they don't hate you? Just because you may be away from your coworker doesn't mean you can't talk about it. Tell the friend at work, tell your partner, tell your dog! Take a victory lap around the room. Do whatever you need to do to enjoy the feeling.

Ask. For. Help.

Honestly, this one goes for work and for home but this one smacked me in the face recently. I have to practice at asking for help under normal circumstances and working in isolation has probably made a lot of feel like we need to be even more self sufficient. I had a small crisis within my business and I had to ask for help no joke about seven times in one week. It was as if the universe really wanted to make a point with me. When I shared the experience with some friends they all agreed that for a lot of reasons asking for help lately has been particularly difficult.

There was no way I could have solved the problem on my own. I needed the help. It made me feel vulnerable when I did it. But it worked! Within days I went from feeling fearful, isolated and helpless to relaxed (at least about one thing) and VERY grateful. Do not deprive yourself of that goodness.

As always, I’m here.  If you are ready to work on having the life you want, call me and let’s get started!

As 2020, and COVID drag on it is important to be patient with ourselves, our families and our neighbors.  This month, we are going to look at simple strategies that are meant to help you feel a little less crazy this year. 

Shhhhhh….  It’s quiet time.

It may sound simplistic but how often do you turn all of your electronics off? (No, sleeping does not count.) No TV, no radio/Spotify, no video games. Just quiet. It doesn't have to be long, you can start with 20-30 minutes but try it. I often find a I get a little lost for a few minutes then once I start in on a task, I don't notice it as much.

Meditate.

Before you ask, no this is not quiet time. Meditation is about slowing down and listening to your thoughts and your breath. If you have never done it before, try any one of the free downloadable apps or even one of the zillions of free YouTube videos or even better.... Set a timer on your phone for five minutes. Then sit down, get comfortable and just breath. The most important thing is to not judge, just notice what thoughts feelings come up. You will not feel changed magically at the end but you will at least have checked in with yourself and know how you actually feel.

Make Your Bed.

Yes, this sounds simplistic but most of us are spending A LOT of additional time at home and starting the day by doing something as simple as making our beds makes us feel as though we have done something right. You also have the added bonus of not having to look at an unmade bed.

Routine, Routine Routine.

I don't think I can stress this enough, it is really important to feel like there is a routine. When everything around you is in chaos, a routine can help you feel anchored back into your life. You can modify/adjust/change the routine but it helps give you some power back.

Tidy.

I have been going on and on about tidying for several years now. When there is chaos in your space, you will have additional chaos in your mind. If you want to help yourself (and your family) focus and calm the heck down, get rid of stuff that is not working for you and find a home for what belongs.

Quick note, I have not watched the Marie Kondo special on Netflix. I have read all of her books and attended her training and met her.... didn't feel like I needed to watch anymore TV. I also know that not everyone loves to read as much as I do so this may be a better way for some people to take in her points. Or... maybe if you love the show you will read the book (insert devious smile here.).

I'm not of the mind that you need to buy a bunch of stuff to make things feel clear, clean and organized but if it makes you happy to add color like The Home Edit company does, then knock yourself out.

Nutrition.

Note: I am NOT talking about a diet. When Quarantine first started I was eating a LOT of chocolate cake. As I settled back into a new routine and got myself back into my meal prep and planning, I continued to make space for 'treats' but I also made sure I was not making chocolate a food group. Whether we want to admit it or not, our nutrition impacts our mood and state of mind. You do not have to be plant based to survive 2020 but it would serve you well to think about how you are treating your body.

Make it Nice!

Days before Austin shut down my fur child of almost 17 years crossed the rainbow bridge making being stuck at home a lot crappier. But her vet (NW Vet Hospital, who I absolutely love) and a couple of friends sent me flowers. As I was home such much I was really able to enjoy them. When they all died, I decided to get more. Almost each week, I have bought flowers since then and they really make it nice to be inside so much. Especially since it is currently way too hot to go outside.

You certainly do not need to buy flowers each week but it is worth considering how you could make your space a little nicer to be in. Maybe it is a candle or a plant but it worth looking around and thinking about how to make it a little nicer to be home so much.

Cut Yourself Some Slack.

And maybe everyone else too while you're at it. I have started trying to push things back, make sure that I'm saying no when I need to and taking breaks. I took a few days off in July and though I didn't go far, I totally needed the break. We all need to take breaks and give ourselves the grace to not have gotten it all right.

These are certainly not all of the or the only ways to survive. We all have different needs. It's ok to spend a little time wondering what needs you have that are not currently being met and exploring some more creative options to get those needs met. Next time, I will explore some strategies for work.

 As always, I’m here.  If you are ready to work on having the life you want, call me and let’s get started!

Our world seems to feel a little smaller every day.  There is over crowding is most cities, right now we are all stuck at home feeling as though there is not enough room in our four walls, the media is constant, we live in a ‘global community’ and have access to people all over the world via the internet.  

With all this access and connection, we are aware of how small we are.  Thirty years ago, you could have known most of the people in your community.  This seems tremendously more difficult now for so many reasons and it makes us feel small, anxious and separate.  

Perel writes:

“In a culture where everything is disposable and downsizing confirms just how replaceable we really are, our need to feel secure in our primary relationship is all the greater.  The small we feel in the world, the more we need to shine in the eyes of our partner.  We want to know that we matter, and that, for at least one person, we are irreplaceable.”  

"Mating In Captivity"

But how to do you keep up with the demands of your job, the house, your dog, the kids, the kid’s schools, your parents AND your partner?  (Note: self-care didn’t even make it to that list.)

Enter the third…

Dr. Murray Bowen was the first to write about “triangulation.”  Basically, it means that there is a lot of pressure and anxiety in a relationship with two people and sometimes the couple use a third to decrease this anxiety (hence the triangle).  This third could be work, kids, an affair and addiction or a host of other things to reduce stress.  Whatever the third is, it allows us to avoid the parts of the relationship that feel too difficult or scary to address and we can focus on this other thing/issue.

Talking about it is difficult and scary!! The average American couple waits six years into a crisis two seek out professional help. No wonder we have such a high rate of divorce. We want love, intimacy, connection, romance and sex... And we want it without ever having to talk to each other about what we need and what scares us.

Being vulnerable is hard. But isn't that what is supposed to be the best part of a committed relationship? That we can be vulnerable and be who we truly are, flaws and all and still be loved? If you aren't working at the vulnerability and you are avoiding uncomfortable topics, your relationship is at risk. Name one thing in your life that ever improved when you just ignored it?

I hate the expression, 'time heals all wounds.' That's bulls&*%! When things go unaddressed and unattended, those wounds don't heal, they fester. They become the valley between you. And you can't put all the blame on your partner's shoulders, by saying they haven't brought it up either. That's cheating.

Look, you're always going to be busy. 2020 has proven that there will always be something to drain you (even when you are at home feeling trapped). You cannot change what you don't acknowledge. Make time for the things that are important to you. If your relationship matters, let's make some time to talk about things you have been avoiding.

As always, I’m here.  If you are ready to work on having the life you want, call me and let’s get started!

In her book, “A history of the Wife,” Yalom describes what it meant to be a wife and the concept of love from the time of the Romans through today. (It's not my favorite book but it brings up some really interesting conversations and historical points.) Yalom points out that that in the beginning marriage was a transaction as women were property and what made a good wife was a woman that produced healthy children and was loyal to her husband (and owner). Our modern concept of love simply did not exist.

The concept of women's rights and independence is a relatively knew thing in history as well. It was only 1920 when women in the US were legally allowed to vote. Another forty years later, the women's rights movement started to take root and as we all know it got things started but there is still a lot of work to do.

I bring up the history a bit to point out that what we call love and partnership and even marriage today is an entirely modern and largely feminist (which is neither good or bad) concept. Egalitarian marriages, for example, are an entirely modern and evolving idea. The concept that we need to talk things out is relatively new. And perhaps because the modern visions of marriage, love, intimacy and commit are so new they pose their own unique challenges.

What is the difference between love and intimacy?

Let me stop here for a second to be clear about that I mean about intimacy in this context. When I refer to intimacy here, I'm talking about sexual attraction, connection and interactions.

Love is about a bond, a connection a commitment to one degree or another. When you love someone you want to know them inside and out, you want them to know you and seek you out in the same way. But sexual desire is different. It often thrives in mystery, suspense, unknown and tension (this can show up in many forms). Often couples will talk about how their sex lives were the hottest in the beginning of the relationship. Then as time went on and they knew each other better the sex had more meaning but was not as passionate.

So is our modern concept of love putting out the flame?

Is it putting out the flame or limiting our ability to express ourselves only through words? While it's not may favorite thing, I think there is some real value in the concept of love languages because it allows for more than one way for some to express themselves and be seen. If we limit ourselves to language, it seems as though we are making our worlds and understanding needlessly smaller. Especially for men. Men are not socialized to talk absolutely everything out so a man in a heterosexual relationship is often at a disadvantage to his partner which often makes his actions so much more important to notice.

Men do not always know how to use language to connect and even when they use words, it may not feel as satiating. Let me be clear, I am not and will not tell a woman (or a man for that matter) to engage in a sexual act that they do not want. But I do wonder if there is space for hand holding and embraces that we often discount when we have settled into a routine or a rhythm of life together. I don't think it is necessary or good to limit the expressions of love to sex/sex acts and saying the words, "I love you." We are so much more creative than that.

Oh, there's tension...

Often when I meet a new couple, there is plenty of tension but it is of the anger variety. Just yesterday, a client told me she "just needed to let go" of her resentments towards her partner. While I appreciated what she was saying, if it were that simple she would have done it a long time ago. We typically hold on to resentments towards others for one of the following reasons: they are still hurting us in that way, we have angry towards ourselves for being vulnerable to the hurt in the first place and/or fear that if we forgive we will be hurt by that person again. None of that is easy to simply let go.

In her book, "Come As You Are," Nagoski points out that our brains are our biggest sex organs and likens our desire system to the break and accelerator in a car. When your brain is presented with a thought, feeling or sensation it chooses to push on the break or the accelerator. Simple enough.... Accept that for some, anger, resentment and even fear can allow both he break and accelerator to be pushed. When both are pushed, the system is likely to shut down in a tangle of confusing thoughts and feelings that simply very difficult to talk out.

As always, I’m here.  If you are ready to work on having the life you want, call me and let’s get started!

Esther Perel has done a lot of work with couples and looked at how to ‘want what you have’ long term.  In her book, “Mating in Captivity,” she wrote:

“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.”

"Mating in Captivity; Unlocking Erotic Intelligence" - Esther Perel

For some people, they believed or hoped that being isolated with their partner and/or family would bring them closer and for some it has.  But for many, the mystery and romance has vanished.  And worse still, for some it has made it difficult to ignore pre-COVID existing problems.  

Get a little creative

It may take a little more imagination and effort than before but there is absolutely not reason you can’t go on dates.  Maybe instead of dinner at a nice restaurant you fix of the dinning room or spot outside and cook a nice dinner or get take out.  Treat it like a date, set a time, put on non-athleisure wear, no TV or phones.  Instead of a movie at a theater, rent something online or find a virtual show/concert.  There are plenty of fun things to do and your partner will appreciate the effort and time you put into making it a nice experience and not just any other dinner or movie on the couch.

One of my favorite stories… A friend of mine loves, “The Grinch” one night last summer her husband set up a Christmas in June in their back patio with the TV outside, popcorn blankets, etc so that they could have a date night at home and she loved it.  

Your partner is not the enemy

It is so easy to see your partner as the problem in conflict.   While they may be part of the problem, it is critical that you ask yourself what your part is in any conflict.  Perhaps it is difficult for your to truly listen and hear them about because you are under added stress and anxiety. Perhaps you don't feel as though they are listening to you. If you want your relationship to work in or out of quarantine, it is critical that you be willing to accept responsibility for your part in the relationship both good and bad.

When we focus on what we are doing right and what our partner is doing wrong, we are setting ourselves up for a crash.

Get in the solution

It is easy to point fingers and assign blame but it really isn't all that productive.

Think about when you get a review or evaluation from your boss. If they sat you down and spent an hour giving you a detailed list of each mistake you have made in the last couple of months but no idea how to improve or what they need instead, you would likely want to quit. Your relationship is the exact same way. Do not just tell your partner what they are doing wrong, tell them what you need (and want) instead. It is so much more constructive.

Take breaks from each other

Go for a bike ride, play cards with your friends online, work on a personal project in another room. Do not fall into the trap of feeling like if you are not working and at home that you must being int eh same room or engaging in the same things, that's waaayyyy too much intensity and together time.

Part of what your partner likely enjoyed about you when you met is that you had your own life and interests that made you interesting to begin with. Get back to those or even try some new ones, reach out to your friends and family, do something for a struggling neighbor or your community. There is so much about you that makes you who you are outside of your partner it is really important not to lose touch with those things - especially now.

Don't hold a town meeting

It is important to have one (maybe two) people to share your hurts and frustrations in your relationship but it is really important to run around and tell everyone in your network how awful your partner is and how badly they treat you. You would hate it if your partner told each person in their life about each and every mistake you made so don't do it to them.

And be careful who you seek support from on those issues. You know you have some friends and family members that don't give good advice and/or who are already not keen on your partner. If you want your relationship to work, seek out people who will listen to you and support you but also help challenge you to own your part and see it from your partner's perspective.

Patience

I do not know a single person who has not had stress related to COVID. Kids, business, friends, uncertainty... All of use could use a little extra grace, yourself included. It's ok to make mistakes. What's important is that we take ownership of them when we do make them.

Your partner deserves the same compassion. Maybe they aren't talking about it as much as other people in your world but their life has changed just as much as yours so it's worth cutting your partner a bit of slack as well.

As always, I’m here.  If you are ready to work on having the life you want, call me and let’s get started!

Dating in a time when it is considered healthy to stay a minimum of six feet away from people is a unique challenge unto itself.  Not that it wasn’t difficult enough to strike up a conversation with a stranger or even meet someone before the pandemic.  In fact, my neighbor last weekend said she hasn’t been on a date with anyone in months because it was too difficult to meet before for the pandemic, so why bother trying during the pandemic?

Look, dating is difficult.  If it were 1950, it would be different for a host of different reasons.  From my perspective, there are two reasons it is uniquely difficult to day now (sans pandemic): the paradox of choice and no accountability. 

First, no one hits on each other IRL (in real life- those of you like me to do not speak or think in shorthand text messages) so you are forced to get online.  If you can make the jump and actually commit to a dating app – though many people seem to be using multiple platforms – there are too many options.  So if you match with someone who is uber responsive… “NEXT!”  The paradox of choice essentially comes down to the fact that when our brain only has 2-3 options, it can make a good choice.  But when it has a seemly bottomless well of choices, your brain freaks out and becomes paralyzed.  Which means that forging a real connection on one of these apps is so much more difficult.  

When our worlds were much smaller (before the internet), we were mostly limited to our networks for potential dating candidates; work, school, church and other social groups were typically how people met one another.  Which meant there was not a lot of choice but also that there was a much greater chance that the person I am meeting/courting knows someone else in my life and that would keep both parties more accountable….  Meaning people were not nearly as inclined to ghost or flake on people because our community/social network would keep us accountable.  

Dating is difficult 

Duh!!  What in your life are you proud of that wasn’t difficult?  Think about it, I’ll wait.  Yes, dating will make you vulnerable and uncomfortable and if you don’t want to do it – don’t.  No judgment.  But make that choice from a self-love and empowered place not a place of exhaustion and self-pity.  If you need a break, take one but do not just blame it on the internet.  

Virtual dates

For the safety of women, I sincerely hope that the virtual first date becomes the new normal!!!  Not to mention the fringe benefits for dudes!  Guys, how many of you get annoyed that you have to pay for the first date?  You can be honest, it’s just me.  The virtual first date means you will never again show up to meet a new person to learn that you were catfished, it means that you will never again be waiting awkwardly outside while the other person is (quite rudely) late and wondering if they will bother to show up, it means not feeling like you have shell out money just to meet someone new and it means that a woman doesn’t have to risk her personal safety to meet a man she doesn’t know.  Ummm, YES!!! 

AND pandemic bonus, there is no risk of spreading the virus.  

Everyone is handling distancing differently

Yup!  Which gives all of us a unique opportunity to talk about our needs and boundaries.  If you are a healthcare worker/first responder, someone with a health concern or caring for someone with a health concern you can still date.  It does mean that you will have to ask for you what need and then be willing to be a little creative with how and maybe even when you connect.  

One of my clients sent me THIS article about a couple in LA who met online during the stay at home orders and they are thinking about of the box and actually enjoying it.  It reads like an old fashion courtship and I think it sounds lovely.  

Different isn’t bad

While we are on the subject about how people are handling this all differently, can we take a minute to remember to reserve judgment? No one situation is the same and none of us have access to magical information that allows us to see into the future and know exactly what could have/should have been done. Just like with every other situation in life, can we please agree that your job is to figure out what works for you and everyone else needs to figure out what works for them?

If you feel clear and good about what you are doing to social distance, awesome! Do that and communicate to other people so they can respect it. If someone doesn't respect it, guess what! They won't respect your other boundaries so thank them for letting you know who they are at the gate!

Loneliness is real

Most of us have had the luxury of taking the passive presence of others for granted. Remember when you looked forward to just being by yourself?! It's ok to admit that suddenly being alone all the time is difficult. And as the video below points out, that loneliness looks different for different people.

As she Perel said, there are a lot of different ways to connect to people. There is a new group starting up in the Austin area in June that will begin virtual but ultimately beginning meeting monthly in person. The point of the CRUSH group is to bring together singles who are health and well-being minded who want to support each other while they all look for partnership.

As always, I’m here.  If you are ready to work on having the life you want, call me and let’s get started!

Earlier this year I virtually met Marie from her streaming show Mxiety. Last night we teamed up to talk to her community and let them share, talk and ask questions about how to work through their Anxiety during quarantine. You can watch it HERE.

Here is a one minute clip from the streaming show.
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