For a lot of couples, being in quarantine has turned up the intensity of stress and even conflict. In fact, I think most couples have likely struggled in all the stress. Financial concerns are huge, for some having to negotiate the kids being home all the time, having to learn new ways to blow off steam, losing access to some of your hobbies and living and working in what may feel like ever shrinking quarters, not to mention navigating health concerns with the need for connection with friends, family and the outside world. It can be difficult to manage all of it, especially when you’re in it so today let’s look at some options for getting through it together.
One of my clients laughed the other day when recounting some of their relationship stress. At the end of each day before quarantine, they used to enjoy sharing their days. Now, since they share a one-bedroom apartment and they are both working from home, they know what happened all day. This couple found that finding articles online to discuss is helpful as well as future planning and dreaming.
Though it may be difficult to get out of the house, if you can even go for a walk or a drive in your car that is helpful. Go see something outside of the four walls you are working, living and sharing together. Do this together as well as alone.
When you feel yourself going from frustration to anger, stop. Take a break from the conversation and agree to come back to the conversation at a specific time. The only thing worse than being trapped at home is being trapped at home with someone who is seething with you because you said something you didn’t mean.
I can’t overstate the importance of finding something to look forward to. Maybe it’s a phone/virtual date with friends or a driveway picnic with family or a class you decided to take online but find something. It will help keep you sane and take pressure off of your relationship.
When things are as stressful as they have been, it is really easy to start to bicker with your partner. The minute you start to see your partner as the enemy, life at home will start to become a battle. Even if it requires daily effort, make sure that you make a mental inventory of what your partner does right as well as what and how they add good things to your life. Your partner is not the enemy, stress is.
As always, I’m here. If you are ready to work on having the life you want, call me and let’s get started!
Remember in February and March when we didn't think that COVID-19 would get the bad where we live? That was fun, right? Ignorance really is bliss. In a way I'm glad I didn't really know what was coming as I simply would have worried about things far beyond my control. As we settle into our new reality, I thought it would be helpful to share some do's and don'ts for how to get through this time.
If one more person (I'm looking at you Rosseta Stone emails and social media) tells me one more time that I have so much extra time on my hands I might scream. The truth is, while I may have a little extra time it is not that I have a lot more energy. In fact, the stress and uncertainty is really draining. So please do not start to tell yourself stories about how you have a ton of time that you are just wasting.
The stress, the fear, the loss, the uncertainty is going to bring out the best and worst in us all. We can see that in random acts of kindness and in petty arguments. We can feel it in ourselves and we may struggle to not lose our patience with people. What could be more normal? Even those among us who are not control freaks, are losing autonomy and the ability to move about freely.
None of us were supposed to know how to do this so it's ok that it has been difficult and an adjustment. The best way to be compassionate with others is to start with yourself.
I can’t stress this enough, having a routine is soooo important to have a semi-normal existence right now. It may take some experimentation to get it right but it will make things feels so much better and easier when you do. And yes, it will have to change when all this is over. But for today, that is the only day you can deal with, create a routine. We can worry about later when it gets here.
It doesn't matter how big or small that thing is... virtual coffee with a friend, a movie you decide to rent/download, an art project, a walk on a nice day. It doesn't matter, find something and be intentional about it.
I feel like people are getting a little burnt out on all the Zoom meetings and, FaceTime'ing and Google Hangouts.... Part of that is because most of us are talking to screens all day so the idea of yet another screen is a little exhausting. Part of what a lot of us are missing is just sharing space with other humans... well, mostly just the ones we like. So instead of planning a FaceTime to talk maybe just have it on while you read and the other person cooks or goes about their day. Maybe you talk and maybe you don't but it could help feel like you're in their presence again that would feel good.
Especially since the weather is getting a bit better, go OUTSIDE. Stay 6 feet away from people you aren't sheltering with but go for a walk, read in the grass. Better yet, bring a folding chair to your friend's drive way and talk, see each other in real life.
There is an expression in the news, "if it bleeds, it leads." Media outlets are going to show us as much bad news as they can because that is what gets them ratings. TURN. IT. OFF. You can read then news (the news- not social media) online from a trusted media source, you do not need to watch the constant stream of negativity. At this point most of it is speculation instead of new and useful facts.
HERE is a link to a short video that will walk you through an at-home EMDR technique. This is perfect for overwhelming feelings of panic and/or anxiety. It is not designed to deal with old traumas but it is great for something that happened earlier in the day or week. It is also a good way to decompress for particularly stressful working conditions.
We have all lost something to COVID-19. For some of us it is a loved one, a job, a home, time with family members, graduations, proms, trips, birthdays, weddings, etc. This has been a time of total upheaval and it is easy to get carried away in a tide of all that we have lost. But this will not last forever and in the meantime to keep taking care of ourselves so that we are ready to fully recover when this is over.
As always, I’m here. If you are ready to work on having the life you want, call me and let’s get started!
I often find that people, especially those that have experienced trauma have an internal battle. There is a fight between what they know and how they feel. And often how we feel overrides what we know. The trouble is that this often happens so quickly we don’t realize that we are acting on information that is not fact but feeling. We do this because our brains and bodies are built to keep us safe. The trouble is, they don’t always do a good job of slowing down and evaluating information as it comes in and hell breaks loose in our nervous systems.
The longer we push on and refuse to evaluate what we believe we know, the harder it becomes to challenge those feelings masquerading as facts.
“Imagination is central to recovery; without an inner imagination of an alternative future there is no place to go.”
Bessel Van der Kolk
Van Der Kolk isn’t suggesting that buying a coloring book or starting a craft project will undo or erase your trauma. What he is suggesting is the act of bravery required to see yourself in a new way.
The interesting thing about these beliefs that we have been carrying around not bothering to challenge or confront is what when asked, we can provide “proof” that these are true.
The way this works, is if you decide something is true (and this could be about yourself or the world around you)- you will find evidence to support this belief. So, if I think/feel/believe I’m dumb, I will have plenty of examples of times I made mistakes. Alternatively, if I believe I’m smart, I’ll have totally different data points to support that.
For many survivors of trauma, it is almost impossible to imagine that you are not what you have come to believe. So it is an act of bravery to even question the painful things you say to yourself:
I won’t even challenge you to believe the opposite about yourself but it will not feel true at all. I would challenge you to pick some that feels half way. If you believe you are weak, could you instead believe that you are human and it is ok to have needs? You could work your way up to “I’m not weak” later if you can dare to imagine that there is alternative future for yourself.
As always, I’m here. If you are ready to work on having the life you want, call me and let’s get started!
I don’t know when it happened…. Maybe it started stoic western European settlers that came to what would become the US via very difficult journeys then had to do awful things to Native Americans and at times to each other while making new lives but somehow our culture has separated the body and the mind. It’s as though we somehow believe they inhabit different spaces. Well, they don’t.
I think that the concept that our minds and our bodies are completely separate entities is what yields things like; “psychologically addicted, not physically,” a cultural obsession with numbing out, the idea that feelings are not data, etc. The truth is that our minds live in our bodies and if you believe nothing else, surely you believe that they impact one another. If you break a bone, doesn’t the pain distract you from other tasks? When you are anxious or afraid does your body temperature shift and heart rate change? When you find someone attractive, do your pupils dilatate?
Having accepted (hopefully you have if you’re still reading) that your brain takes in information, then processes that data and some of that data includes feelings, then it has a reaction. For some, a sticking point is decision making. In a war between your prefrontal cortex and other higher reasoning processes and your lizard brain, the cultural narrative is that the higher reasoning wins. The truth is that depends a lot on history of trauma and if you have resources to deal with the information that your brain is processing.
For example, if you are a gambling addict and you have a near win. Your brain processes that information the same way it does a win. Even though you lost, your brain no longer processes data the same way a non-gambling addict brain does. A non-gabling addict’s brain sees a near win as it truly is, a loss. That doesn’t mean that a gambling addict is doomed to gamble forever but the addict must learn coping skills to win the war with the lizard brain and stop.
"All traumatized people seem to have the evolution of their lives halted: they are attached to an insurmountable obstacle"
Pierre Janet (1919)
In the past we have talked a little bit about what is called ‘big T trauma’ versus ‘little t trauma.’ (Just in case you don’t remember/know…. Big T trauma refers to a large event, like being at ground 0 for 9/11 or witnessing a horrible accident. Little t trauma is more insidious and often down played or over looked. If someone called you a loser once in an argument, it would likely bother you but you would be able to get over it. However, if someone called you a loser every day for a year, you would likely be highly impacted by that. That is what little t trauma is like; death by a thousand cuts.)
The different kinds of trauma are important. Some new-ish research is also emerging about the difference between childhood traumas and adult traumas. We are learning that childhood trauma and neglect alters the way the brain (yes, both the lizard brain and the higher reasoning sections) grows and develops and leaves it permanently altered. This does not mean that adult survivors of childhood trauma cannot be highly intelligent and go on to live happy, healthy lives. It means that the structures of their brains are different and their trauma is more treatment resistant than that of a person whose trauma onset was in adulthood.
Yup, there is it. Adult onset trauma is three times more likely to be 'cured' than childhood and it doesn't generally take as long to successfully treat. We believe that the reason is because of the difference in the brain structures dating back to development. But it's difficult to be sure because most people will not let you direct their brains until they die.
I think part of what Pierre Janet is saying the quote above is that trauma influences, often even defines us after it happens. That doesn't have to be a bad thing. If the trauma makes you see the world in a new way or means that you take time for yourself to heal. Sadly, more often than not, we allow our traumas to define us (i.e. my caregivers didn't love me and therefore I have no value or I must prove my value to deserve love). That is where treatment comes into play.
I'll talk more in the next blog about treatment but I want to leave you with something else I found:
Working with trauma is as much about remembering how we survived as it is about what is broken
Bessel Van Der Kolk - The Body Keeps the Score
You survived. No matter what happened to you and no matter how you did it... You did survived. It is entirely up to you how to plan to live going forward.
As always, I’m here. If you are ready to work on having the life you want, call me and let’s get started!
Do you have physical complaints and keep going to the doctor, who tells you there’s nothing wrong with you? If this keeps happening to you, you probably have somatic symptoms that often are related to trauma. Keep reading then.
Somatization is basically any physical symptom that doesn’t have a physical cause, and it is a very common experience. It can be especially common for people in certain cultural groups, and is often related to anxiety, depression, and trauma. The Cleveland Clinic says it affects between 5 and 7 percent of the population, but I see it fairly often in my practice with clients who have trauma issues.
It happens when you have some physical disturbance, pain somewhere or a strange physical sensation you can’t otherwise account for. You go to the doctor and they run tests that show nothing, nada, no trace of a problem where you were convinced something was a problem. You’re left scratching your head and the pain or sensation keeps coming up despite the doctor’s reassurance that nothing was wrong. It is especially the case if you experience distress about having the pain or sensation. Some people might notice this, but not get upset about it. In your case, it can be very upsetting. That’s how it gets diagnosed.
Trauma therapy is one way somatic symptom disorder is treated. If there is an underlying anxiety, trauma, or depressive disorder, then treating that is the most effective way to get rid of it. The main thing to know is that you have a strong mind-body connection with this problem, and that is a good thing! The reason why is that your body is trying to tell you to pay attention to what’s going on and that there’s something wrong. It’s just that the problem isn’t where you thought it was. It’s somewhere else. If you’ve ever heard the saying ‘It’s all in your head,’ then you’ve got the idea.
The temptation is to blame yourself if someone tells you ‘It’s all in your head,’ but that only makes things worse. You give yourself a guilt trip for having these, but very often the culprit is some traumatic experience earlier in life. Often this happens in childhood, in which case you are definitely not to blame for it! The main thing to keep in mind is that the body registers these traumatic experiences and stores them somehow so that they’ll come up when you need to work on them with therapy help.
I’ve been working with clients who struggle with somatic symptoms virtually my entire career, and can assure you they are treatable. They practically always go away with a combination of relaxation techniques and by using some form of trauma therapy. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is one such therapy, and has an excellent track record for helping people alleviate underlying depression, anxiety, and trauma that is often related to somatic symptoms. I urge you to give a licensed EMDR practitioner like me or Nicole a call if you are ready to get the help you need to get past somatic symptoms and what may be contributing to them. It may be the best money you’ve ever spent, and probably better than continuing to go to endless doctor’s appointments to hear the same thing you’ve been hearing all along.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Austin, Texas. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His e-book is entitled Life’s Lessons from the Young and the Old and is available for purchase on Amazon.
Your brain is your biggest sex origin so there is no way to have a conversation about improving any part of your sex life that does not begin with how you think, how you feel and how you communicate your needs. There are almost an infinite number of ways to improve your sex life and today we will look at a couple.
You can’t tell someone else what you like if you don’t know. It is difficult to learn without experimentation. A common misconception is that if you enjoy watching it and/or fantasizing about it, you’ll enjoy doing it. While that may be a good place to start, it may not be true. Often when we fantasize about something we underestimate the unknowns.
It’s important to explore on your own. Yes, I’m referring to masturbation. While the experience will be different with a partner, it’s important to know what you like on your own in order to communicate it to a partner.
Finding a partner that will listen. I don’t think I can emphasize this enough… If you can’t tell the other person(s) what you want and/or they don’t listen, RUN- don’t walk away.
In her book, “Science of Sexual Happiness” (a title that I continue to find irksome because there is little to no science in it) the author K. Jesse does have one exercise that I really enjoyed. In it, she has a couple take turns asking for things and telling each other ‘no’ for three minutes. The idea is that both partners gets used to hearing and saying ‘no’ in safe way.
Emily Nagoski, author of “Come As you Are” and recently a workbook in support of that book (which I haven't had a chance to read just yet, uses the phrase, "safe, sane and consensual."
I'm hoping the 'safe' is self explanatory but just in case... She means it's a good idea to have safe sex and be thoughtful about your partner. It is important to choose a partner that will communicate what they like/want and will give you the same thing in kind.
'Sane' is referring largely to your personal context. What feels good, exciting, interesting to all of us is informed but a ton of factors. Some factors are emotional, some are cultural, lot of factors surrounding how you grew up come into play. Are you making an empowered choice or are you looking to use sex as a way to avoid something else?
'Consensual' should also be self explanatory but just in case.... It means you both choose to engage in the act. Either person can withdraw this consent at anytime for any reason and they should not be given a hard time about that. My favorite animated video about this is HERE, it's only 2 minutes and 50 seconds, you have time.
If that didn't make you smirk or giggle, we may not be able to be friends. Laughter can be really good medicine. There is a huge difference between laughing at vs. laughing with someone. Especially, when you are trying something new with a partner, why not laugh and play with each other? This is all supposed to fun! Let it be fun!!
As always, I’m here. If you are ready to work on having the life you want, call me and let’s get started!
Late last year when I decided to look for a book club, I was thinking about fiction. What I found was a book club for therapists and the first book for this year was “Science for Sexual Happiness.” I thought it would be perfect to look at sex and intimacy in February.
Whether you are single or in a relationship, your sexual health is important.
(Every time I hear someone tell a woman to breathe, I can't help but think of the movie, "Obsessed" when Beyonce yells, "BREATHE BITCH!"
My biggest peeve with this book is there was next to no science. Why put science in the title if you are going to water down what little science you do plan to use? Overall, there are other books like "Come As You Are" that I would recommend over this book.
As always, I’m here. If you are ready to work on having the life you want, call me and let’s get started!
So by this time of the year, the end of January where your resolutions have had time to be tested. Yesterday, I ran into a lady from my gym who said she hadn’t been in a couple of weeks because work has been too busy for her. That’s the thing about our goals, they are quickly interrupted by our LIVES.
Not to mention that most of the time, what we want to build/shift/create, often takes a lot more time that we initially anticipated. One of my clients told me right before NYE that she was going to have her three-bedroom house tidied in a week! Which would be a considerable feat especially when you consider that Marie Kondo (professional organizer) suggests a real tidying of a home around that size will last roughly six months. To my knowledge, she's not quite there yet and I know that frustrates her.
It is frustrating when we don't meet our goals quickly and easily. That said, if it were easy to change, you wouldn't have needed to set this goal to begin with. Real and lasting change takes effort and time. It is normal to notice a little back slide. The thing that will set you apart is not giving up when you back slide. Acknowledge that you did, forgive yourself and try again.
In his book, "The Power of Habit" Duhigg talks about the Golden Rule of Habit change. In it, he describes how research has shown that starting new habits is difficult and breaking old ones is even more difficult but altering current habits is doable.
I actually really love the second graphic because it addresses something we have all done, reached for food out of habit. For some of us the reward is comfort, for some it is to keep our hands busy - the truth is it doesn't really matter why you're eating or what your reward is. You don't have to stop eating to make a shift, you only have to eat something different!
Another key to the graphics above, the less you need to think about it - the easier it will be and the more you have shifted your habit. When you are working on making a shift in the routine, you may find that the first thing doesn't get it done and you have to pick something else. Fine, it may even be good to try a few different things before you commit. For example, maybe you try three gyms before you join one. If you feel confident in the choice you made, it will help to reinforce itself.
As always, I’m here. If you are ready to work on having the life you want, call me and let’s get started!
Talk of change is everywhere this time of year; more adds for workout equipment and gym memberships, weight loss programs and meal prep services, dating apps and jewelry commercials. And how many of those products are left abandoned in a corner gathering dust or totally forgotten about by March? Most of them. This year, if you sincerely want to make some changes, it’s time to go about things a little differently.
In pervious blogs we have discussed the stories we tell ourselves. Some are big, some are small, some of them are adaptive and some hold us back. When you are ready to shift something big and important, it is time to really challenge yourself and ask if what you know to be true is really true.
I recently read an article by Kendra Hall in which she shared that as an adult, she just knew she didn't like to ski. She tells the story about a 3rd grade ski trip that was a total disaster for her and only time she ever tried skiing until adulthood. From then on she told herself, she did not like skiing and simply never bothered to try again until her parter wanted her to join him on a family ski trip. We can all think of a lot of stories, especially from our childhood that inform how we see the world even today. If there are things you want to change get very curious about the things you think you know about what you can do and what you are capable of. Until those stories are challenged, change will be like moving a mountain for you.
When you are running from fire to fire just barely keeping up, you are so much more likely to crash and burn. It may sound counter intuitive, but no matter what your goals are, in order to make them them work, you will need time to sit and reflect. What is working? Could you change things up? What could do you do to make working towards that goal feel more fun?
If the answer is no, something is wrong. I don't love working out, so if you bump into me at the gym early in the morning, you are unlikely to see me smiling the entire time and doing a jig. BUT, I enjoy the trainer I work with and the people that I work out with and if I didn't, I likely would have gone elsewhere a very long time ago. And I love to supplement with fun dance classes, a difficult pilates or spin classes. If I did those all the time, I would probably get tired of them but they add a little something to my week when I make time for them.
It does not matter what your goal is, challenge yourself to do something different. I know, that is a lot easier said than done. If change were simple, you wouldn't need to set goals. When I'm stuck I try and pay attention to what people I look up to are doing. There are a lot of ways to accomplish the same task, what can you do differently to address the problem.
If there is no plan, no schedule, no measurable, observable, tangible goals, you are just day dreaming. Even if the first step in the plan is to ask someone for help or read a book, make a plan. Everyone has to start somewhere and it is ok if at the beginning the ending is a little muddled or fuzzing the best way get started it to make a plan for the first 2-3 steps.
If you do not have a powerful why, you are wasting your time. When your WHY is because everyone else is or I think it would be nice, you are going to give up very quickly. How many powerful stories of transformation have come after a person had a life threatening event or lost someone or something meaningful to them? Their why became very clear after a loss of some kind. You don't have to experience loss to dial into your why. For each of your goals, ask yourself why it is important to you that you make this happen for yourself. Without your why, you are spinning your wheels. Knowing your why is a powerful tool to get you back on track when you are faced with a big challenge to your goal.
I have referenced this before but I think it is totally worth doing it again. One of my favorite TED Talks is Simon Sinek's on "How great leaders inspire action." If you need a little help getting to your why, this TED Talk is a great place to start.
Just as important to the success of a goal as why is who. Who will benefit the most from you achieving the goal? When more than one person benefits and you are invested and connected to that, you will be so much more committed to making it happened. For example, if you want to lose more weight because you want to be able to be more active with your children, it is so much more than just something you want for yourself.
As always, I’m here. If you are ready to work on having the life you want, call me and let’s get started!