First, happy THANKSgiving!! I’m grateful that you are here and I sincerely hope that today is filled with good things.
Earlier today I was listening to a podcast and they quoted Steve Covey as saying, “The greatest need of a human being is to be understood, validated and appreciated.”
When I think about all the things that bring people into my office and the things we spend time and money researching, most of it has to do with our connections (or lack
thereof) to other people.
The other day a friend called me upset because the guy she is seeing is often late, forgetful and doesn’t do what he says he will. It has left her with the sense that he really doesn’t value her or her time. And it all got me thinking about how we (or is some cases fail to) show gratitude in relationships.
As the quote from Covey suggests, most people long to be heard. In a culture where everyone is rushed and pushing to get to the next thing, I often wonder how well we really hear each other.
Certainly, someone can show you that they appreicate you. However, they can only truly know how you feel apreciated when they have not listened to what it is that makes feel that way.
Chapman’s, “Five Love Languages” book illustrates very well that people will convey and receive love very differently. One is no more ‘right’ than the others but it is entirely unique to each person. For example, the friend I mentioned feels strongly that when someone is on time they are indicating that you matter and they respect and care about you. That man she is dating may not relate time to care at all, he could relate it to eye contact or gift giving or something else all together.
What makes you feel appreciated? What makes the people you care about feel appreciated? It is dangerous to assume that what makes you feel cared about is also what makes them feel understood, validated and appreciated. As today is the official start to the holidays, it seems like a wonderful time to seek out what makes the people you care about feel understood and to make efforts to demonstrate you care in a way that resonates with them.
As always, I am here and would love to know how this caring pursuit is going for you.
November seemed like a really natural time to spend some energy thinking about gratitude so I had intended to focus on this topic this month anyway. In last last few weeks there have been devistating storms, terrible violence and so much pain going on in the world that I thought I really needed to focus on some good, uplifting things so that I don’t get lost in all the sadness.
When things are going well and it seems we are getting what we want and need, it feels easy to be grateful. But what about the rest of the time, when we are really being challenged?
It may be true that, “things could always be worse” though when I’m struggling with something that rarely feels uplifting, it is more likely to give me the sense that in fact things will probably get wrose. Murphy’s law does apply, right? Also, I think that is one of the many dangers in comparing our circumstances to that of others is that we rarely know the full story.
For me, even in difficult times it has started with small things. I had to look for them and at times even create them but I had to find things to look forward to each week.
This may sound silly but in some of my darkest times, the day I washed my sheets became my favorite day of the week. It had the benefit of spuring me on to do it, even if I didn’t really feel like I had the energy and I would focus on how good it felt and know that it was a feeling I could give myself again and I could be grateful for the feeling.
“As we express our gratitude, we much never forget that the highest appreciate is not to utter words but to live by them.” - JFK
What if gratitude begins with how you treat yourself? If you are taking care of yourself (ie eating healthily, moving your body, journaling, meditating, etc) you are in a far better place to be grateful for everything. Of course when life is difficult, these are often the first thigns to go but they are likely the things we need the most to get back to a good place.
Something happens in the brain when we are of service to others. In every religion, AA and other people created systems of how to behave, we are encouraged to be good to and go out of our way for others. It turns out that nuero-science backs this up. When we are kind to others there is a dopamine dump in our brains and we have more positive self talk.
You don’t have to go crazy with this and give up your life savings but there is likely something small you can do to be kind to others. Opening doors, sending a thoughtful email to someone else who is hurting, being aware of the need to let people know you sincerely appreciate them, etc.
I’m also glad to hear what you think. What do you do to reset when it seems as though nothing is going your way?
I really enjoyed working on this article about why people love to guess about what happened to Jack! What do you think happened to Jack?!