A few years ago, someone told me that after seven years all the cells in your body change. (After some googling, it turns out that’s not exactly true.). It made think about how much about our lives change in seven years.
This month we have been looking at how to identify what you want and how to talk about it to the people around you. But what if what you thought you wanted, isn’t quite right or what if what used to work just doesn’t anymore?
We have all started down a road only to find that before we even get there, that it isn’t the direction we want to go anymore. Is it a bigger waste to change directions and correct your course? Or to finish just because you started? It isn’t easy to let go of something but if it doesn’t fit your life anymore and you can’t makeit fit…. Then it seems like it may be time to let it go.
A long time ago my mentor told me that what brings a couple together, 7-10 years later doesn’t exist anymore. (And if it does it is very different than it was when things started.) He said that couples have to work to keep building together throughout their relationship in order to keep things good and strong and working. That’s true of so many things in our lives. Think about what it was like seven years ago in your career. Or seven years ago as a parent. Or even seven years ago in long term friendships. There are some elements that brought you together that are likely still present today but you have changed and so have they.
Now is as good a time as any to ask yourself what is working and what you are forcing. It might be true that you wanted X once... But do you still want it?
It may not feel like it right now, but the bravest thing to do is to change course and set out on a new adventure. Of course, there are good and healthy ways to do that and there are unhealthy and hurtful ways to do it. Ask for help. Who in your tribe is good at the thing(s) you are struggling with? Let them help you make a plan that feels like it could work.
Time is the only thing in life you can never get more of... How much of it can you afford to waste on things that don't make you a better you?
As always, I’m here. If you are ready to live your best life, call me and let’s get started!
Ok, so you done some wok on yourself and you feel confident about what you want and need. The next big challenge is to figure out how to say it!! For some people this is terribly overwhelming, especially if you haven’t made a habit of talking about what you want and need in your relationships.
Being very clear seems really easy until your faced with saying something that makes you feel super vulnerable!
If that’s where you are, start small. Maybe tell your partner or family members where you want to have dinner the next time they ask instead of saying you don’t care or you’re fine with whatever they chose. Even if you are totally fine with what they typically chose, start getting in the habit of expressing your opinion, particularly when it is asked for! Getting some practice with the small things like restaurant choices will help you build confidence and momentum towards bigger, more important conversations.
If you feel like you are nailing the little things like movie choices and restaurants, you may feel ready for bigger stuff.
You may feel like you have heard this 100 times but if you if you have… Whenever possible, avoid starting statements with, “you.” Whenever possible start with, “I.” Talk about your perspective and your point of view. The Gottman’s suggest:
“I feel…
About …
I need ….”
It’s a great formula and it works for a lot of different situations. This is appropriate to use with your partner, friends and often at work.
Before just coming out and saying it, try journaling and practicing what you have to say. Do your best to stay productive and avoid accusations. (For example, telling your boss you feel like he/she is a big jerk may be exactly how you feel but may not get you to what you need… For them to be nicer to you.)
As always, I’m here. If you are ready to live your best life, call me and let’s get started!
Have you ever been upset and as you talked it out, your realized that what you thought had been bothering you really wasn’t the problem?
In my experience, communication falls apart at one of two points.
Today, I want to focus on the first part of that. Being able to clearly formulate your own thoughts and feelings. This may sound like the easiest thing in the world but I assure it’s not.
How often do you really have quiet? No work pressing on you, no one texting, calling or emailing you waiting for you to respond? How often do you sit and reflect with no TV, no radio, no phone sitting right next to you, nothing to distract yourself with? For most of us, the answer is pretty rarely.
Have you ever caught yourself holding your breath? You may not even know why but you catch yourself not breathing and you have to remind your body to start breathing in and out. It seems like the most basic thing yet while you were hyper focused on something else, you stopped breathing. It is equally easy, to get so over stimulated and so focused on other things (work, kids, traffic, social media, the news, etc) that we can't hear our own thoughts and feelings.
There are a few different ways to turn down the noise and hear yourself better. A good place to start is to turn your phone off or at least put it in another room for a little while. Turn off the TV/radio and take some time for yourself. For some, meditation is a place to start. Journaling and physical activity are good as well. Even going for a walk alone can help you clear out the clutter and just hear yourself.
The other day, someone told me that a long car ride can do that for him. GREAT! Find what works for you. The key is to not wait until there is a problem. Do what works for you regularly... daily is optimal but if you can do whatever your thing is 4-5 times a week, you will be far ahead of most people.
So what works for you? When is the last time you tried? Can you sit down and make a plan for the week? What will you commit to doing for yourself every day for the next week to clear your head? I'm asking for ten minutes a day, that's all. Remember, that in order to communicate what you need and want to others, this step is critical and cannot be skipped.
As always, I’m here. If you are ready to live your best life, call me and let’s get started!