Ok, so you done some wok on yourself and you feel confident about what you want and need. The next big challenge is to figure out how to say it!! For some people this is terribly overwhelming, especially if you haven’t made a habit of talking about what you want and need in your relationships.
Being very clear seems really easy until your faced with saying something that makes you feel super vulnerable!
If that’s where you are, start small. Maybe tell your partner or family members where you want to have dinner the next time they ask instead of saying you don’t care or you’re fine with whatever they chose. Even if you are totally fine with what they typically chose, start getting in the habit of expressing your opinion, particularly when it is asked for! Getting some practice with the small things like restaurant choices will help you build confidence and momentum towards bigger, more important conversations.
If you feel like you are nailing the little things like movie choices and restaurants, you may feel ready for bigger stuff.
You may feel like you have heard this 100 times but if you if you have… Whenever possible, avoid starting statements with, “you.” Whenever possible start with, “I.” Talk about your perspective and your point of view. The Gottman’s suggest:
“I feel…
About …
I need ….”
It’s a great formula and it works for a lot of different situations. This is appropriate to use with your partner, friends and often at work.
Before just coming out and saying it, try journaling and practicing what you have to say. Do your best to stay productive and avoid accusations. (For example, telling your boss you feel like he/she is a big jerk may be exactly how you feel but may not get you to what you need… For them to be nicer to you.)
As always, I’m here. If you are ready to live your best life, call me and let’s get started!