So many couples point to their partner when they think about what isn’t working in their relationship. While it may be necessary for your partner to make some changes, have you taken a good inventory of what you are bringing to the table that is influencing the relationship?
Does someone have to be at fault?
For some, they grew up in a family being told that if something went wrong that it had to be someone’s fault and blame would be assigned. The truth is, sometimes things just go wrong. It isn’t always someone’s fault, it is important to let go of the need to assign fault each time there is a conflict.
Do you get defensive?
Defensiveness is a normal human emotion, much like anger. AND just like anger it must be treated like a warning signal to slow down and get curious, not to launch that at your partner. The antidote to defensiveness is to take responsibility. In almost any situation where there is conflict both parties can take ownership of something. Instead of launching your defense, slow down, listen to yourself and where it is coming from and explore what you can take responsibility for.
Does your partner know what you value about them?
The way the human brain is built is to find and eliminate dangers and problems. So, in relationships we are quick to notice the things we don't like or don't want. It takes more effort to look for the things that are going right and that we enjoy because those things are easy. Often, couples will spend A LOT more time talking about what they don't like and what is not working and little or no time about what they value about each other. When is the last time you told your partner that you appreciate them and why?
As always, I’m here. If you are ready to work on having the life you want, call me and let’s get started!