December 21, 2017

Self-Sabotage in relationships

Last time we talked about the type of self-sabotage that has you procrastinating and distracting yourself with outside forces. Today, let’s look at a very different kind of self-sabotage where we push other people away.

Have you ever heard of a self fullfilling prophesy?

If you haven’t, it basically means that if you decide something is going to be or end a certain way, you take steps/actions to make that happen. Obviously, this could be good or bad. An example might be… I didn’t think I could do well on the test so I didn’t study and I didn’t do well. My belief that I wouldn’t (or couldn’t) do well became a ‘self-fulfiling prophesy’ when I did not study and prepare for the test.

This could show up for us in a hundred different ways everyday.

Traffic is going to suck. (Does it have to? Are there ways to make it less painful?)

Work today will not be fun. (It won’t be if you go in with a stinky attitude.)

I can’t _____. (If you decide you can’t, then you can’t.)

This party will not be any fun.  (Duh!  Not if you sit in a corner and make it no fun.)

What are your relationship self-fulfilling prophesies?

Another way to look at this is limiting beliefs. If you decide that people and relationships are diffiuclt, then they will be. I think we can blame kindergraden and Disney movies (don’t get me wrong, I love Disney movies) for the misguided belief that we can/should/want to be friends with everyone. We want to be KIND to everyone but everyone will not get us and we will not get everyone. I don’t mean that in a negavtive way but in an accepting, this is just the way it is way.

You, your sense of humor, the things you enjoy and find interesting are unique and I hope that you seek to pull in people that dig those things. If someone can’t get you, wish them well and let them go! DON’T decide that there is something wrong with you and put up wall around yourself.

This is often where I see the self-fulfilling prophesies (or limiting beliefs) show up. People start to tell themselves that they are awkard or too emotional or not good at relationships, etc. when in reality they simply haven’t found the right environments to allow their unique gifts and oneness flurish.

Can you turn them on their heads?

Do me a favor… Can you write out your self-fulfilling prophesies? The beliefs that have created protective walls around you and kept you separate from other people. Take your time, get into it. (And know you are a hot mess or too emotional if this causes you to tear up.)

Did you get them all down? Are you sure that is all of them?

Now, turn them on their heads. What is their opposite? For example, if one of yours is “I’m too emotional,” the opposite might be, “I’m in touch with my feelings.” Play with it until you get the one that sounds right.

Once you have written down all of the opposites, really think about letting go of your old, negative, hurtful, keeping you stuck beliefs. I know that it is not as simple and writing it down and never having the thought again. But know that you are clear about what at least most of them are, you can recognize them when they come up and chose to seek the other belief.

As always, I’m here and I would love to hear what limiting beliefs about yourself and relationships you are working to let go of today.

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