February 15, 2018

What if Your Nervous System is Steering Your to the Wrong Partners?

Have you ever felt like you may be addicted to someone? Or that you couldn’t get them out of your head even though you know they probably aren’t good for you? What if I told you that your nervous system could be wired to find you the wrong person?!

RIGHT?! Yikes.

So last time we talked about attachment styles and friendships. Today we will apply the same concepts to romantic relationships.

A couple of years ago, a woman at a party told me that she was still single because she had a fantasy that her ideal partner would show up like a romantic comedy movie. She said that she knew in her mind that was probably the wrong way to look at relationships but that it really was her fantasy.

That is exactly what I’m talking about when I tell you that your nervious system (your unconcouis phsyiological response) is steering your towards the wrong partners.

For whatever reason (could be family of origin, genetic, life experiences or more likely a combination of all of the above), some people end up with a belief that love should be stressful and complicated… hence the rom-com fantasy.

Think about it… Can you think of a single romantic comedy that went something like; they met, were polite, talked about their feelings, had healthy boundaries, met each other’s needs for support, progressed at a comfortable pace for both and lived happily ever after?

NO!! Of course you can’t, because that would be a super boring movie!

But happy relationships are not really like movies, they can be down right safe, comfortable and predictable. For people with anxious or avoidant attachment styles that can be really confusing because it doesn’t meet the fantasy or story they told themselves about what love really is so they come up with ways to sabotage.

The good news is you can change your perception. You are not doomed to be endlessly seeking the “perfect person” or pining for the one that got away.


There is no “perfect person” because perfect only exsists in movies and fairy tales. And the one that got away wasn’t right because either the timing was off or you just weren’t a good match for each other.

If you are ready to find your person (who may be perfectly imperfect), the authors of “Attached” suggest:

  • Spotting the people who are playing games and not treating you the way you want to be treated early on letting that be a deal breaker
  • Effectively communicating your needs from day one.  (That means you have to use your words and not assume that they can read your mind.)
  • Subscribe to the belief that there are many potential partners who could make you happy.
  • Never taking the blame for the other person’s offensive behavior.  When a person behaves in a way that it inconsiderate or hurtful, acknowledge that it is a reflection of the other person...not you.
  • Expect to be treated with love, respect and kindness.

So, what’s your attachment style?

Of course, you should read “Attached” and learn more about how you’re attacking the wrong (or right) people and why... But it would probably be good took look and see where you fall.  HERE is an empirically supported quick test to see where you fall on the spectrum.  I dare you to take and see what you find.

As always, I’m here if you want to talk! 🙂

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