Lately, I’ve noticed more and more people—clients, friends, even myself—rewriting personal history. When we’re feeling anxious, hurting, or grieving, it can be tempting (and sometimes easier) to remember the past as better than it truly was. This mental habit, while often unconscious, can keep us stuck and disconnected from the present.
Take childbirth, for example. Even in the smoothest pregnancies, there’s pain and discomfort. And yet, many parents describe those early moments with their child as joyful, even magical. That’s not dishonesty—it’s adaptive. If we remembered every detail of the discomfort, many of us might hesitate to go through it again. The brain naturally leans toward softening painful memories in order to help us survive, bond, and move forward.
This rewriting isn’t always conscious. Our brains are wired to avoid pain. After a traumatic car accident, for instance, the mind may either minimize the fear or amplify it. Most people need to continue driving, so their brain may downplay the trauma to allow them to return to daily life. In more severe cases, the mind may suppress memories altogether, especially when the pain is tied to someone we love or can’t yet leave behind.
How Can You Tell If You're Romanticizing the Past?
One sign you might be idealizing the past is when you find yourself saying things like, “That was the best time of my life,” even if that time was actually filled with stress, uncertainty, or pain. For example, maybe you think of college as a carefree, joyful time—yet at the time, you were overwhelmed by exams, finances, and post-grad fears.
To check if you're romanticizing, ask yourself:
- Is this memory fully accurate?
- What was hard about that time?
- What would a close friend from that period say if I asked them how I was really doing?
Romanticizing the past can lead to discontent in the present. It sets up a subtle narrative that you should be happier now—and ignores the reality that every chapter of life contains both joy and struggle.
How to Stop Romanticizing the Past
The first step is honesty. What are you really missing? Do you long for your ex—or do you miss having someone to text during the day? Was your old job truly better—or have you just forgotten how draining that one colleague made every meeting?
Once you identify what you’re actually feeling, you can begin to explore your options. Getting curious about your discomfort allows you to move from rumination to action. And when you're taking meaningful steps toward resolving your present pain, the grip of nostalgia loosens.
Need Help Getting Unstuck?
Sometimes we need support to see our present more clearly. Therapy can help you uncover what’s really going on beneath the surface—and start building a life that feels better right now.
If you're tired of feeling stuck in the past or unsure how to move forward, let’s talk. I offer online therapy for individuals and couples ready to create change.